Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

Howl 😭

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.