Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

How to draw a duck

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Revenge served cold

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity