Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.