Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂