Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

[Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Picard: Why are they firing at us?

Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.