INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
☺️
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.