INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
NOT all policemen are strippers.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks