Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.