INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go