INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*