INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
How is it still this week?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
How actors in movies eat their food
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing