INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
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Cop lights are so pretty at night
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.