Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
you’re damn right i have
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
This a good idea
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
We found love in a hopeless place.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.