Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”