Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.