Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Beauty and the Beast