Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
You Might Also Like
Shortcut
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”