Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.