Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brian had himself a morning…

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.