Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button