interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
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My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.