interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Saw online –
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes