men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
men, we mow at sunrise.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
All. The. Damn. Time.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish