Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
scenes of unspeakable carnage
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later