Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
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her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
“Worm Regards”
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.