Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

Finally! 😈

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park