Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

crazy

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

my first day as a raccoon

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

Found my door mat

It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.