INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.