Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

When I said I liked it rough.

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend