Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You Might Also Like
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.