Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

like swimming in quick dry cement

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on