Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

Creepy-crawlies

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

I think they could have phrased this better

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.