INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
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me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
spot the difference
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly