Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Mad Max Arctic Road

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing