interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
who wants to go expliring
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK