interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.