INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
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EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
#Thanos #MondayMood
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast