interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
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I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
It will always be this
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.