Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.