Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water