Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

ㅤㅤ

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood