INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
#inspiration #foodforthought
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
fly smarter, not harder
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me