Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

*puts words between two asterisks*

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off