Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.