INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
new dr. seuss book dropping:
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Thursday Thought.
