interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?