Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

My humor is broken

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”