interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?