interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote