Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

it must be school picture day

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?