Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

This bar smells like my childhood.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

🪶

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.