Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.