My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.