Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Ron is short for Aaronald
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime