Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?
Me: that I need a new job
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”