Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?
Me: that I need a new job
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I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper
me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”