Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel