Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks