Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Cats are still liquid.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?