Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up