Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

😂

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”