Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer is always right

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.