Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”