Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Ok but actually
no one ever comes back
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
How I like cutting carbs
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.