Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.