Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.