Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

happy valentine’s day to me

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!