Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?